Like many families, my family is spread out throughout the U.S. Before we had a child, this aspect of our lives didn’t bother me or my husband too much. It was nice to have our own space but we knew that our parents were a relatively short drive away (3 hours north to my parents, 2 hours south to his) if we needed or wanted to visit (or if there was an emergency). It was a pretty sweet set up, actually.

Then we had our daughter.

Both of us grew up with our extended families less than 20 minutes from our childhood homes. I saw my grandparents at least once a month (usually more), spent the night at their houses, and my cousins were part of my social circle. My husband had a similar situation. But now, living a distance away, we were not going to be able to afford that same opportunity for our daughter despite even our best efforts.

When our daughter was first born, we had no money. We were mired in a substantial amount of debt and it was all we could do to pay our bills, feed and clothe ourselves, and get to work. We didn’t have extra money for anything, including frequent visits to our parents or buying ink to print pictures to send to our families. We were fortunate that our parents didn’t mind coming to visit us but after awhile, it became pretty taxing on them (as she’s gotten older and our financial situation has improved, we do a much better job of taking turns visiting). We had to, and continue to have to, dig deep to find ways to keep our daughter connected to her extended family without breaking anyone’s budget. Here’s what we’ve come up with:

• Skype and FaceTime on iPhones. This is relatively new for us since we just got Skype working properly (computer problems, not a problem with Skype) and we’ve finally figured out how to use the Face to Face feature (don’t judge). It’s wonderful to have the ability for our daughter to have conversations with her grandparents while “looking” at them. It makes it a much more personal experience and honestly, it’s kind of fun.
• Snapfish. I cannot extol the benefits of Snapfish enough. It is wonderful to be able to upload a boatload of pictures and then with the click of a few buttons, share the entire album with her grandparents, great-grandmother, aunt, cousins, and even close friends. They then have the ability to select what pictures they want to have developed instead of us choosing it for them. And we get to share a lot more without having to spend a fortune on postage. (Note: Email and texting also comes in handy for sharing pictures.)
• Blogs. Although I don’t personally have a blog (yet) detailing my daughter’s day to day activities and accomplishments, there are many people that do. In fact, that’s how Scary Mommy got started; it was an online baby book that she shared with friends and family. If you’re not too keen on the whole internet reading about your kid and seeing pictures, you can set the blog to private and share it only with the intended audience. As an added bonus, it makes a nice, permanent baby book for the kid to look back on.

Make no mistake about it. The “old fashioned” way of doing things is still just as meaningful. I know my grandmother (my daughter’s great-grandmother) loves getting photos and drawings in the mail (birthday/anniversary cards aren’t too bad either). It’s always a good time when we visit in person or make a traditional phone call.  But the distance between us has made it more difficult to share forge the relationships that we had growing up. Thanks to the Internet, that gap is now a lot smaller.

How do you frugally connect with family members who are a distance away?

Just about 4 years ago, I decided to become a vegetarian. I did it after reading a few books and having the vivid imagery stick with me.  My imagination started to get the best of me and before I knew it, meat was literally off the table. It’s been good not only for my health but for my family’s budget as well.

There’s a reason that when people are trying to cut back on their grocery budget they opt to have meatless meals each week. Meat is expensive. But vegetarian meals, if not planned properly, don’t actually save money. In fact, they can cost even more! Here are a few tips to keep your meatless meals inexpensive and budget friendly:

• Refrain from convenience foods. Boca burgers, Amy’s frozen and prepared meals, and numerous other brands provide a nice meat-free alternative that still tastes…well, like meat. They’re a nice way to transition to a meat free diet (kind of like nonalcoholic beer) but they are expensive. If you base your meals around these types of foods, you’re not benefiting your budget at all. Incorporating one or two every few weeks isn’t a huge budget buster but  do not make these a staple.
• Stock up on beans. They’re a great source of protein and are quite versatile. At my supermarket, organic beans go on sale every few months or so and I go to town stocking up. When they’re on sale, they’re the same price as the regular store brand beans and since I stock up, I save money over the next few months.  I prefer to use organic beans because they are not packaged with sugar. While I could save even more money by using dried beans, I cannot cook them properly at all. It’s actually a waste of money for me to buy them.
• Pay attention to recipes and ingredients. One of my biggest problems with many vegetarian meals is the expensive spices and herbs that are required. On numerous occasions, I’ve been drawn to recipes only to toss them aside due to some ingredient like saffron that’s going to cost more than the rest of the ingredients combined (last price check on saffron? $18 for 2 threads. Outrageous).  By carefully reading the recipes, you’ll be able to figure out which ones are practical and money saving and which ones are just too costly.
• Eat in season produce. This obviously applies to non-vegetarian meals as well. But when you’re trying to incorporate vegetarian meals into your weekly meal plan, it’s even more important that you follow this rule. Vegetarian meals are typically heavier on fruits and vegetables and to use out of season produce is sure to be a budget killer. And if you live in a food desert or have trouble affording fresh produce, frozen vegetables are a suitable substitute.
• Be open minded. Many people can’t imagine a meal without meat. I know because I’m married to one of those people. But when I decided that I couldn’t eat meat anymore, my husband and I had a long talk about it. We established one rule “If it tastes good, we’ll eat it”. As a result, we’ve had many, many meals that neither of us ever thought we’d enjoy (and not one of them involved tofu. Because tofu? Is disgusting). Being open to trying new recipes and foods has allowed us the ability to expand our recipe index and our palettes. It’s also saved our budget on more than one occasion.

I concede that a vegetarian diet isn’t for everyone. And that’s fine. But it certainly is a good way to shave a few dollars off of your grocery budget.

How do you save money on your grocery budget?

This is the first in a 2 part series on how to keep kids entertained for minimal or no cost during the summer months. The second part, written by fellow EOD member Jessica Streit, will appear next week.

Kind of like this. But inside.

This summer is going to be a different experience for me. It’s the first summer I’ll be home full-time with my daughter (who is 5) and quite frankly, I’m already panicking. Not so much because of all the time with her (which is awesome) but because, honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do with her.  On normal days, I have all the basics covered. Feeding her, practicing her reading, daily chores, going to the pool (our YMCA has an outdoor pool and it’s included in our membership)…those kinds of things. But what do I do when we’re can’t go out?

Where I live, it gets hot. Really hot. Some days, it’s so hot my dogs don’t even want to go outside for their walks. It’s these days that I’m worried about. We even have a budget for once a week activities like the aquarium or a movie, which, technically, can cover the days we’re stuck inside. However, even on those days, who wants to go out and deal with a hot stuffy car and throngs of other people trying to escape their homes and the oppressive heat? Not me.

I have been wracking my brain for a list of activities (because I’m like that) that we can do on days it’s too hot or too rainy to leave the house. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Write and illustrate a book. My daughter loves to color and tells the most amazing stories about the pictures she’s drawn. I figure I can have her draw some pictures and then dictate to me what story she wants to tell. We can fold and staple the pictures, just like a real book, and we can even draw the cover and the author bio.
• Have a fashion show.  Like most 5 year old girls, my daughter loves to dress up in her play clothes and my shoes. I can create a “runway” and let her parade up and down, showing off her new and festive ensembles. I can take pictures, just like at real fashion shows. (This can also work for talent shows where instead of showing off her new looks, she can show off her many talents.)
• Make a movie. Whether it’s with my iPhone or with this camera thing she got for Christmas, I can let her walk around the house, filming whatever she wants and then edit it into a short movie. I can even let her narrate it and then we can upload it to our private YouTube channel so her grandparents can see her work.
• Have an indoor picnic. I figure I can pack a “picnic basket” with her help and we can set up our little picnic in the living room. We can pretend that we’re outside and talk about all the outdoor things that we see. I can even let her draw pictures of trees and grass and ants and we can put those all over the living room to give it a more authentic feel.

This is also the perfect opportunity to start working on the activity box that I’ve been meaning to work on for the last 4 years. An activity box is basically a shoe box full of pieces of paper with ideas written on them. Some ideas can be “do a puzzle”, “watch an old cartoon”, “bake cookies”, “build with Legos”, “have a tea party”…you get the idea. The driving force behind the activity box is to always have a way to stave off the inevitable “I’m bored” whine.  Just pull out the box, let your kid or kids pick out a slip of paper and voila! Something to do!

I’m probably overthinking this whole situation. I know we’ll be fine. But I need to be prepared. Just in case.

Do you have any suggestions for indoor activities?

Yesterday, my friend Travis wrote a post about trusting his wife as she left to go shopping with a spendthrift friend. He mentioned that, although he had a million questions racing around in his mind, he had to let go and trust her to stick to their budget. And you know what? She came through (I should point out here that I’m not surprised because Travis’s wife is awesome).

He raised an important issue: trust. Trust in a relationship, especially in financial matters, is excruciatingly important. In fact, without trust in that area, you’re probably not going to have trust in other areas. We’ve all heard the stories of couples divorcing or breaking up due to financial strain or financial infidelity (which, I feel obliged to say, is real. I know several couples who manage their finances separately and at least one spouse lies to the other about how much she earns or spends).

Like any other kind of trust, trusting your partner financially doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something that has to grow and develop over time. But how can we start to develop that trust? There are a few steps we can take:

• Be honest. Whether you’re talking about anything from the amount of debt you have to spending money on the smallest of purchases, don’t lie. There is nothing worse than one person in a relationship finding out that she’s been lied to not only about the amount of debt the other has, but the type of debt. Or how it occurred. Or how long it’s going to take to pay off.  This happened to me early on in my relationship with my husband and I found out that a certain debt of his was not at all what I expected. Every time we made a payment on that debt, I got angry and resentful that it was taking away from our joint financial goals.
• Be accountable. Own up to your behaviors. If you decide to spend $9 on lunch with co-workers instead of eating your packed lunch, tell your partner about it. Don’t wait for her to find out when she checks the account online or finds a receipt in your pants pocket. My parents always told me that I’d be in more trouble for lying about an act than for the act itself. I think this advice applies here. Part of earning your partner’s trust means taking responsibility for your actions.
• Talk about your financial goals. Keeping money a secret does not breed healthy behaviors, and that secrecy can lead to financial infidelity (or worse). Openly discussing finances can be a bonding experience for a couple as they work their way through developing a budget or creating debt repayment plan or even setting goals.
• Do what you say you’re going to do. If you tell your partner that you’re going to pay a bill, do it. If you tell your partner that you’re going to buy only one book or round of golf, do it. If you agree to stick to a budget or to use extra money to pay down debt or save for a common goal, do it. This is perhaps the most essential element in building trust. By showing that you are reliable and stick to your word, your partner will trust your judgment on larger financial matters down the road.

Building financial trust takes time. Don’t set a deadline for how long it should take your partner to trust you. He or she may have baggage from childhood or a previous relationship that may mean it takes him (or her) longer to trust you than you would like. But don’t rush it. If you’re consistent and patient, it will happen.

What are some ways you’ve built financial trust in your relationships?

As a blogger who writes about money, I often draw parallels to money and life. But it wasn’t until recently that I realized how closely improving a blog is to improving personal finances. Here are just a few ways that I’ve noticed:

Start with one thing

When I decided I wanted to write a personal finance blog, I had to pick what I wanted to write about. I wanted it to be more focused and detailed than my previous blog and I knew that I had to write about what I know. Since I know nothing about investing and I am certainly not qualified to give tax advice, those were out. I thought about it and realized there is one topic where I know I’m an expert—me! I decided I would talk about my relationship with money. That would be my thing. And people seem to relate because now I get more traffic in a day than I used to get in a week!

Money tip—Just like with blogging, you need to pick one topic and focus on it. Trying to do too much at once will make it confusing.  If you’re in debt, work on getting out of debt. If you’re behind in savings, build them up. And so on. Just pick one financial thing.

Network

In order to grow my blog, I needed to find a network of people just like me. I reached out to other personal finance bloggers to guest post, I joined a forum, and I started commenting and tweeting all over the place. Doing so led to increased traffic and—finally—comments on my posts! Engaging with other bloggers has kept me motivated and inspired, and I know that when I’m struggling, they’ll pitch in to help. By networking and getting my name out there, I’ve been able to drive more traffic to my site.

Money tip—Don’t go it alone. If you’re paying off debt, find a friend, family member or online group to keep you motivated and encouraged. If you’re trying to embrace a new, frugal lifestyle, engage your friends in some of your newfound frugal (or free!) activities like game night or pot lucks. It’s a lot easier to give up when you have no one to rely on.

Learn what you don’t know

I knew I wanted this blog to be more successful than my previous one. To do that, I had to learn not only the basics of blogging but I had to learn a good deal of behind the scenes information like design, SEO (search engine optimization), plug-ins and basic coding. I had to educate myself in all the things I didn’t think were important for blog growth and success, even if it meant stepping into areas that make me uncomfortable. Learning these aspects of blogging has allowed my blog to grow and look way better than previous efforts.

Money tip—When it comes to managing your money, if you don’t know something, ask. For instance, if you don’t know how to create a budget, ask someone who does. If you don’t know which online savings account to open, ask someone who does. Educate yourself in the basics of personal finance by reading blogs, books, online articles. Information is the best way to set yourself up for future financial success. Like the old commercial used to say, “The more you know…”

Set your own measures for success

It’s hard not to look around the web at the hugely successful blogs or the blogs that seem to explode overnight into mainstream success. It’s even more difficult not to compare your own traffic to theirs (I know because I’m guilty of it). However, doing that is a surefire way to lead yourself into blogging fail. You will not measure up (because most people don’t) and you will convince yourself to quit.

Instead, set your own measures for success. What would it take for you to consider your blog successful? Is it 5 comments a day from people you don’t know? Ranking #1 for a search term? Getting “Freshly Pressed” (bloggers who use the free WordPress platform know what I’m talking about)? Having an advertiser or sponsor pay you?  If you’re achieving success—as you’ve defined it—than you are a successful blogger.

Money tip—Don’t judge your progress according to someone else’s. You never know what’s going on. For instance, I used to listen to Dave Ramsey’s podcast and get upset and frustrated that I couldn’t pay off $50,000 in 6 months. Often, those people would have something to sell and that’s not a reality for me. I had to set my own goals and measures for success. If it took me a bit longer, that’s fine. I still got there.

My blog is not huge by any means. But it’s a vast improvement over previous efforts, and it’s something I’m extremely proud of. Just like my finances. I’m not a perfect money manager but my budget and bottom line are much better than they used to be.

And I consider that a success.

 When I started my site, Daily Money Shot, I was beyond nervous. I   wasn’t so much nervous in what I had to say versus being frightened of putting effort into a blog that no one would read. Although I knew that my need to write superseded my nerves, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would never get more than 3 readers. Why? Because I had previously tried to blog and, for all intents and purposes, failed.

I failed for a number of reasons. I wasn’t passionate enough about the subject matter of the blog. I didn’t network well with other bloggers in my niche. I never bothered to learn all the behind the scenes technical efforts that go into blogging. I ignored the importance of social media to grow my site. I didn’t have a regular posting schedule. I failed to establish a good community. Basically, everything that helps create a solid blog, I failed at doing. But you know what? I’m glad I failed.

Embracing my failure has taken me a while but the more I thought about it, I realized that I learned more from that failure than I would have had I been successful the first time around. Had I not failed, I would not have:

• Become a better writer. When I look back at the first few blog posts I wrote, I cringe and want to hide in a corner. They were awful. However, the more I wrote, the better I got. My failed blog allowed me to find my style, my creative voice and figure out how I want to represent myself in writing. My grammar and punctuation improved, as did the way I present my ideas. I’m not perfect now but wow, is there a difference.
• Learned what it takes to run a moderately successful blog. Blogging is hard work. There are so many aspects that go into running a blog that people actually want to read that I was unaware of. By not doing any of those things the first time around, I was able to look objectively at what I needed to do this time and apply that knowledge.
• Found skills I didn’t know I had. By really digging in and learning what’s involved in blogging, I learned that I’m not as technologically incompetent as I had previously thought. I discovered that I can do some basic coding (with the help of Google and some how-to websites). I learned that I can do simple graphic design. I also broke out of my shell and started contacting other bloggers for guest posts and for assistance. These are things I never thought I’d be able to do.

Just like I failed at blogging the first time around, I failed at managing my money the first time around. Prior to working towards paying off my debt, I was a financial failure. I didn’t know how to budget, had no savings, used credit cards with reckless abandon, didn’t comprehend the intricacies of insurance, ate in restaurants all the time…you name the poor money habit, I had it. But paying off my debt has been a financial reset.

Failing at managing my money and spending years paying off debt has allowed me to reflect on everything I did wrong, learn from those mistakes and become a better steward of my money. Now, I can’t imagine not having a budget or plunking down my credit card to pay for a purse. I understand all the things I didn’t understand before (except the intricacies of insurance. I fear I will never understand those) and I have much more secure financial future.

If not for my mistakes, I wouldn’t be in the position that I’m in today. And for that, I’m grateful for all my failures. Even the ones that make me cringe.

What failures have helped shape where you are today?

I recently saw this sign on the refrigerator at work:

It’s an interesting sign, one that makes me think every time I go into the kitchen.  But the other day, as I was waiting for my lunch to heat up, I looked at the sign again. Since I relate almost everything to money, I realized that the same mantra can be applied to our debt. It would sound like this:

“Getting into debt is hard.

Getting out of debt is hard.

Staying out of debt is hard.

It’s all hard, so choose which hard you want.”

I thought this was pretty profound. Let’s take a closer look:

Getting into debt is hard. Well, it is and it isn’t. Frivolous, unbridled spending is not hard. When you’re buying up all your wants without any regard for what’s going to happen later, it’s easy. Plunking down a credit card for a $1500 couch that you don’t need and really have no room for is simple.  However, when you’re getting into debt because your lifestyle exceeds your expenses, that is hard. When you can’t afford to pay all of your bills every month, for whatever reason, and you have to use a credit card to fill that space, that’s hard. And going into debt for medical expenses is a category entirely unto itself.

Getting out of debt is hard. Yes, yes it is. It takes so much work and sacrifice and discipline and it’s exhausting. You need to track every penny. You need to give up hobbies that you love. You need to forgo restaurants. You need to find free substitutes for paid activities that you enjoy. You need to create a budget. You need to do all of the things that personal finance experts and bloggers preach about and advocate until we’re blue in the face. And doing all of that is strenuous. It will test everything: your strength of character, your relationships with friends, family and spouses/partners, your self-confidence, your discipline. You don’t realize how many areas of your life have been touched by your debt until you step back, analyze your situation and attack it. But the hardest part is admitting your debt needs to go.

Staying out of debt is hard. Once you’ve removed the albatross of debt, you can’t help but celebrate. Why not? Being debt free is definitely cause for celebration! You’ve worked hard to earn the label “debt free”.  Now that you have no debt, and you can finally keep your money to yourself, it’s easy to start spending that money in the same carefree manner that got you into debt in the first place. You have to work to stick to a budget and savings goals to ensure that you never have to put in the grueling effort of debt repayment ever again. It takes work to keep your new, frugal habits in the forefront of your financial life.

Choose which hard you want. It is your choice. Of the three, which is the most desirable option? Which “hard” do you want to work at? For me, it’s an easy pick. While I had a great time spending money  I didn’t have on vacations and meals I couldn’t afford, the end result of that is 5 years of excruciating work. I would rather choose to work at staying out of debt. Because in the grand scheme of things? That’s easy.

Dear Debt,

I’ve waited 5 years to say these words to you—good riddance.

I know you’re thinking that this is some sort of joke and I’m really about to burst into a Green Day song, but I assure you I’m not. I’m legitimately, once and for all, saying good riddance. You have caused me enough grief, frustration and sadness for two lifetimes. And I couldn’t be happier that you’re gone.

We started out as friends. You were a constant presence in my life. It was comforting to have you because it was a reminder of the good times we had. Vacations, drinks and dinners with friends, new clothes…all good things. And when I needed you most, you gave me a little more. I appreciated that because seriously, what 21 year old doesn’t need an $8000 credit limit? You allowed me to do things that I otherwise couldn’t have done. For that, I am grateful. Almost.

You see, you took advantage of me. You knew that I didn’t know what I was doing and you allowed me to get out of control. What’s that? I need to take responsibility for my own actions? Fine. I’ll give you that. I did use you frivolously and with a complete lack of responsibility.  I never bothered to learn about the importance of keeping you under control in order to protect my future.  I never thought that it was important to use you moderately and prudently. And really, it’s not like you told me.

No, you just sent me paperwork telling me that I had payment holidays and credit line increases.  I believed you when you said I didn’t have to pay for a month. I fell for it when you gave me more money. You never told me that there were consequences for taking advantage of your disguised generosity.  For instance, you never told me the impact my debt to income ratio would have on my ability to get good interest rates on a mortgage. You never told me that if I kept you around and made you fatter and fatter, you’d take a bigger part of my paycheck (yes, I realize logic should have told me this. But logic and I have never really been on speaking terms. You knew that when I first let you into my life).

But what I’m really angry about is what you took away from me. It’s not even so much that you took away my money or my freedom to leave a job I hate or even buy new shoes. No, what you took away from me was self-respect. You see, I always prided myself on being intelligent and responsible. The day I let you into my life, that all went out the window. Or, more appropriately, my wallet. I am ashamed that I fell for your magnetic strip, raised numbers and quick access to money I really didn’t have.

Not anymore. No, now you are out of my wallet and out of my life. The money I earn through my paycheck? I get to keep that instead of giving it to the people who own you. The lessons I learned from using you frivolously and irresponsibly? They are engrained in my head, a permanent reminder of what I will never again allow to happen.

You have no more power over me. You are banished from my life.

Good riddance.

photo credit

I recently became non-mortgage debt free. This is a huge accomplishment and something that I am immensely proud of. It took a long time, too. Five years (just ask Lady Gaga. She thinks five years is a long time, too). Five years of cutting back, skipping vacations, forgoing home improvements, making do with what I have, shopping eBay and sales for pretty much everything…whatever you’re supposed to do to get out of debt, I did. Mostly. I’m not going to say that I was perfect during those 5 years, but I did the best I could. And I never thought the day would come where the only debt I had left was my mortgage. Now I understand why people who call Dave Ramsey are so stoked when they scream “I’m debt freeeeeeee!!!!!”

Getting out of debt taught me a lot about money and how to manage it. It taught me the importance of being calculating with purchases. It taught me how to make a budget and stick to it. It taught me how to be content with what I have. It taught me how to find creative, inexpensive ways to have fun.  It taught me that an emergency fund is crucial. Most of all, it taught me about myself.

I am not one of those people who are brimming with confidence. You wouldn’t look at me and think “Wow! That chick has got it together!” You wouldn’t think that because it’s not true. But 5 years of paying down debt made me realize that I’m a lot more capable than I thought. For instance, I learned that:

• I have more patience than I thought. Paying off debt is tedious. There were times when I wanted it all gone now. I wanted to quit paying it off because I couldn’t take it anymore. I would entertain those feelings and then push them aside. I had to teach myself to calm down and exercise patience, telling myself that one day, it’ll be done. It may not be when I want but I will have it. Tom Petty said “The waiting is the hardest part”, and he’s a smart man. That patience I learned in paying down debt has extended to other areas of my life and
• I am resilient. When you’re in debt, it’s easy to feel like a failure. You look at all the people to whom you owe money and you are ashamed. You beat yourself up because you never thought you’d be in this hole. And you’re frustrated because you feel like you’ll never get out. Well, at least that’s how I felt. But I learned that I can bounce back from that. My debt and financial mistakes did not have to define me or my future. And now they won’t.
• I can learn things I never believed I could. Prior to paying off debt, I didn’t have a financial education. If I had had one, I’d like to think I wouldn’t have wound up in the situation I was in. That lack of education—formal or informal—was partially due to the fact that I didn’t think I could understand money. I thought it was something that only a specific kind of person could comprehend and I was not that person. Turns out, I am that person! Out of necessity, I learned all the concepts I previously thought I couldn’t understand—budgeting, saving, insurance, investing. I understand them now! My future, and my family’s future, is so much brighter because of this.
• Organization and I are friends! I am terribly disorganized. I’m not messy or anything, I’m just scatterbrained. I will remind myself to do something and then 10 minutes later, I’ll forget. While this didn’t spill over to my finances that badly, I did occasionally forget about a bill or due date and would pay it late. When debt was no longer an option and there was no money for late fees, this was a skill that had to be improved. So I committed myself to keeping track of bills on a sheet of paper and creating a spreadsheet to document our debt repayment. It’s a skill that I continue to improve upon but I learned that as long as I write it down, I remember. Organization is not something to fear; it is something to embrace.

What has debt taught you about yourself?

Photo Credit