Help the Needy – Not so Fast! Let’s do Some Thinking

Help the needy? Caution is advised.

“Help the needy” is what we’ve learned since we were kids. But as Suzanne’s recent post shows, sometimes our experiences as adults can cause us to rethink that well-worn expression. Who are the needy anyway? Sometimes it’s hard to figure out. And, that’s what can lead us to donate to a cause, lend money, forgive debts, and help others who have projected themselves to us as being in need.

There’s nothing wrong with helping the needy. It’s a great thing, but caution is advised, especially if it places us at undue financial risk, and only we should be making decisions about what we choose to afford.

What I’d like to suggest is that we reassess the issue of someone else being in need, and how we might respond to that. I’d also like to suggest a mindset that can help us respond to others who seem to have an insatiable appetite for financial assistance.

Who are the Needy?

To begin with, aren’t we all needy to some extent? Most of us have probably never spent much time without being mindful of a particular need we have. To be sure, some people appear to have much more need than others, and some are constantly in need of just about everything.

As I see it, the problem is that we’re inappropriately fixated on need – on both sides of the issue. Often we turn a blind eye to most other considerations. Why is that? I think it’s simply because having and displaying a need is what gets attention. It can be displayed as something highly emotional. Anguish, frustration, fear and despair are definitely among the “attention-getters” in life, whether it’s our life or someone else’s. It’s also because having and responding to needs is politically correct. Perhaps it’s time for some of us to get out our spray can of politically correct repellant and be ready to use it.

The idea of need is quite a trigger point for many of us, but is the outward appearance of need the only criterion available to us? Is it the only way to make a decision with respect to lending money, providing a donation, giving to a beggar, providing a helping hand, or allowing the tax man to dig ever deeper into our pockets? Should those who demonstrate great need and a sense of urgency get substantial and immediate financial assistance?

I think not.

Who are the Worthy?

My considerable experience suggests that the most important criterion is worthiness. I believe we ought to be supporting and helping those who are worthy of our support, and have a need for it too. And, some folks just aren’t worthy of our support. They simply don’t deserve it.

Oh no! Here comes a guy waving a big red protest flag in your face. And, lots of people in the audience are standing up and doing their best to boo and shout me down. Listen to what they’re saying: “What an insensitive and judgmental person he turned out to be! Let’s take him out back and kick the crap out of him. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more. Talk about worthy and deserving, he deserves a good ass-kicking!”

As you can see by audience response, determining worthiness can be quite disconcerting. It’s all because if we determine someone’s worthiness, then we’re being judgmental. Many would argue that being judgmental isn’t the way we should be. It’s a bad thing. It’s wrong to imply that one human being is, relatively speaking, not as worthy as another, and therefore doesn’t deserve our support.

I think otherwise, and act accordingly.

You be the Judge

I believe being judgmental can be a good thing, especially when we’re using good judgment when it comes to determining the worthiness of an individual. After all, if we aren’t supporting worthiness, then we’re encouraging the opposite. We’re encouraging behavior that is not honorable, not respectable, not important, and not valuable. In other words, we’re encouraging poor choices and irresponsible behavior. We’re fostering the failure of others. That’s not something I wish to encourage, enable, promote or condone.

I’ve been there and done that. I’m not ever doing it again.

And, if you think being judgmental is wrong, then how is it we’re suppose to be fully capable of recognizing a “need” (which is a type of judgment) but we’re somehow supposed to be incapable of making a similar judgment when it comes to worthiness? I don’t get it. Recognizing one is just as judgmental as the recognizing the other. For example, I can judge that a person truly has a need (not just a desire) and they’re worthy of my support (they’ve earned it, they’re a good risk, and I want to encourage their efforts.)

Besides, haven’t we all heard about those “worthy causes” around the holidays? If a cause can be worthy, then a “good cause” associated with a person can be deemed worthy as well. And, we ought to make those kind of determinations before handing over the financial resources we worked so hard to earn. Now, that makes sense to me.

What I’m suggesting is that we look at need, but very carefully consider worthiness (goodness, importance, respectability, esteem, value, merit, honor) before acting. The reason is quite simple; anything we do either encourages or discourages behavior. We should be encouraging responsible behavior that we want to see repeated.

Who is Insensitive?

I’ve been accused of being insensitive and having ice run through my veins. Perhaps, but isn’t that ice flow attributable to the sum of my experiences? I sure think it is. Despite all the ice in my veins, I’ve done plenty, and continue to do plenty for those in need who are worthy of my help. I’m not sitting in the cheap seats. I’m the voice of experience. And, if the truth were known, we’d see that those who have accused me of having ice running through my veins are the same ones who previously abused my good nature and generosity.

Those throwing tomatoes are largely upset because I won’t be abused anymore, not for a minute. They’re a bit like Suzanne’s abusive borrower who bitterly wished, “Have a nice weekend!” to the kind and thoughtful lender. As Suzanne learned, ungratefulness is often a companion of irresponsibility simply because showing appreciation by word and deed would be the responsible thing to do, and the person’s irresponsibility is likely why they’re in a jam to begin with.

In my book, if you’re irresponsible, you’re unworthy. Change your behavior for the better, and your value goes up. It’s that simple.

And for those who would characterize me as insensitive, let me tell you I’m not insensitive at all – just the opposite – I’m super sensitized. I’m super sensitized because of my experiences that have left me raw and therefore quite sensitive indeed to the irresponsible people in our midst. I’m not usually one to point out the obvious, but sometimes it’s easily overlooked – the irresponsible among us are perhaps the most insensitive, especially regarding what their behavior does to the financial condition of others.

Develop a Mindset

If I could sum up my thoughts in a single sentence, one that you might retain as a way of thinking of these things, it would be: People can only take advantage of you to the extent that you allow them to. And, allowing someone to take advantage of you is tantamount to encouraging, promoting, and condoning their irresponsible behavior. Expectations need to be set upfront, otherwise, the expectations of your beneficiaries will start to take hold. Remember, when you feed a stray dog, it’ll likely come back – that’s the dog’s expectation. That’s the very behavior that caused the “Bank of Pizel” to close its doors – too many dogs, seeking too much food on a regular basis.

Many years ago I created a technique for addressing difficult issues. My technique is a three-step process of thinking things through; first use your head, then use your heart, and then go back and use your head again. It’s a good approach anytime you’re dealing with emotionally charged issues of significance in your life. It’s also great for just about any other kind of decision you need to make. It puts reason over emotion, takes into consideration the human side of things, and forces you to reapply rational thought before giving your “final answer” to Regis or Meredith.

Reassess Your Giving Nature

Giving money and support and assistance to those in need is a great thing. When we engage in charity, we show everyone around us our “signature.” So, let’s show off our wonderful signature, but perhaps we should be more circumspect when it comes to those who whine about their needs. Let’s take a good look at their signature and what it tells us about them. Are they worthy of our support? Do they deserve it? Should we promote and encourage their behavior?

Try that the next time you’re faced with someone who pleads for your hard-earned money. You might decide to do what I do when they’re unworthy; offer up a little cheese to go with that whine.

For those considering lending money, here are some personal lending guidelines that can serve as a good way to keep you and your beneficiaries out of trouble.

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