Should you feel obligated to support your parents at or before retirement — regardless of circumstances?
That is the question a caller asked Dave Ramsey on the radio last week.
Here was his situation. His spouse’s family wanted to put together a fund that would support their parents for the next 25 years. He and his spouse were obviously affected differently by this question but ultimately agreed that it was not their responsibility to totally care for them financially, especially since the parents said they weren’t willing to go to work. They weren’t unable to work, they just didn’t want to.
The parents are in their early 60’s.
There are two sides to this argument and I am probably opening up a can of worms by asking it here, but I think it’s worth the risk. The caller stated that he didn’t think it was their responsibility to support her parents because they didn’t want to work, but also didn’t make any effort to secure the retirement they desired.
The siblings seemed to think it was preposterous to not “want” to help their parents. I think their response is completely emotional and lacks responsibility. What about the parents not “wanting” to help themselves?
Personally, I think it’s preposterous for anyone to expect to be able to stop working when they have not taken the necessary steps to secure their desire to do so. What’s even worse to me is that they would even allow their children to take care of them when they were perfectly able to work. There are some obvious exceptions here but I would only include those exceptions to disability, illness, or an inability to earn a living.
If my mother or father were simply unable, their would be no question at all — I would help them as much as I could without putting my wife and children’s future in jeopardy. It’s like the in-flight safety manual says, “secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” I also do not believe in enabling or rewarding bad behavior by continuing to help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. The analogy usually given is the one that suggests not giving a drunk a drink. It’s okay to help someone who needs help but it then becomes the question of whether you are helping them or hurting them.
If your desire is to genuinely help them, you have to step back and ask yourself if what you are doing is helping or hurting.
So would creating a monetary fund to help support your parents, who are able but not willing to work, be the best solution in this situation?
Would you support them monetarily, or would you expect that they also be willing to help themselves before you do?
If everyone took the same approach as the parents are in this situation, wouldn’t it be harmful for society as a whole? Having compassion is important, but it’s also equally important that we don’t sit around and expect to be cared for by others who have done better with their money — especially our children. I would work until I died (if I am physically able to), before I took a single dime from my children. Luckily, my children will not have to worry about that with us because we are securing our own future so that no one else has to. That includes our Government!
In this case, it sounds like the parents will get aid and security from the other siblings, but at what cost? A family torn apart? It’s an act of ultimate selfishness on the parents part if you ask me!
What would you do?
I heard that exact call on the Dave Ramsey show yesterday when they re-played that episode, and I completely agree. All those parents are doing is putting an extra burden on their children that is not necessary. Like you said, it would be one thing if those parents were unable to work or provide for themselves, but that certainly isn’t the case here. It’s another thing completely to expect the children to support the parents just because the parents don’t “want” to work.
I don’t have any children, but I would imagine if I did that I would want to see them excel and achieve in life, not be bogged down by poor old dad. I would be perfectly content with only having just what I need in life if that meant my children were given the opportunities to excel.
Exactly Ross. There are lots of ways to earn a buck at retirement without having to do physical labor too. I’m not going to want to do physical labor by the time I am 60 either but I sure won’t be signing off of life. I’ll be doing something productive to keep me busy and I’ll definitely be making money doing whatever that might be. 😀
I didn’t hear the call, so I’m only going off this article, but yeah, it seems the parents are out of line. I can’t help but wonder if there is something we are missing in the situation. There must be a reason for the kids pooling together to take care of mom and dad other than just an unwillingness to work. Seems odd.
Ashley good point. I don’t know if there were any other circumstances either, other than what the caller shared, but based on the info he did share, I think it’s ridiculous to say I’m not working even though I didn’t have any money to back that up. It’s one thing to plan not to work, but another thing to expect someone else to support you because they don’t want to see you suffering and starving.
I think giving is a key component to the Dave Ramsey principles. Baby step 7. So, if you are smart and do the right thing financially and you decide that you are able to help, then help. I certainly would. That is a part of giving and I would make sure my parents were paid back for their generosity if I am able.
That being said…I’d need the blessing from my wife, because we are a team on this and I could not be jeopardizing my family’s well being in any way (including our future years or my children’s college aspirations). I’d help my parents instead of going on an extra vacation, but wouldn’t help by not giving to the needs of those that God instructed me to provide for.
My parents are in their 60’s…they are fine financially, though not great. But they are tired. They worked, and need rest. If I could provide that rest and relieve some stress, again, not at the expense of my wife and kid and our future, and with the wife’s blessing, it’d probably be a good priority for me.
Great point Tyson! That is definitely another way to look at it but again, I’m sure you’ve heard Dave Ramsey talk about how “helping” someone that’s unable to help themselves is a problem. In fact, he sided with the caller and gave him some really great advice for how to deal with it. Giving is definitely important and if someone has the money to help out then I say go for it. I just think that the parents in this situation are acting like they deserve to be taken care of and banking on the fact that their kids will not allow them to suffer. It’s all about the attitude that they seemed to have (according to the caller). Thankfully my mother and father are doing just fine but I know they would never expect someone else to take care of them especially their kids unless they couldn’t do it themselves. As I said, I would be more than happy to help either of them in that situation. I just have a problem with anyone signing off of life and expecting others to pick up the tab. There are tons of jobs older folks can do where they wouldn’t need to do physical labor though. Even a hobby, part-time, could bring in some money. I just think that declaring you’re NOT working is irresponsible especially if you haven’t planned for it. I guess there’s always Government assistance, but I could go on for days about what I think about that whole can of worms. LOL Thanks for the great comment Tyson! 😀
Brad, I totally agree. Without listening to that particular caller and their situation, I went with me and my parents and “what if” scenario.
If they have a sense of entitlement and will just coast along because the kids will take care of them, then I agree…they need to help themselves as well. I’d do the same thing. The kids could define what “help” means to them (financial or otherwise) as well as set expectations.
In my personal situation, where my parents have worked so hard to support and limited on what they can do, I’d give them financial support if/where I can. That, to me, would be part of my “baby step 7”.
I think the difference from my situation vs. the caller is my parents would be reluctant recepients of any financial gift and overly surprised and grateful, where the callers parents sounds like its more of an expectation.
I didn’t hear the call either so I was wondering if they were Asian parents. In many cultures, it is a cultural norm that kids start suporting or “paying back” their parents for all of the money and effort the parents put into raising their kids as soon as they are able to. It’s kind of like a home made social security system–parents do everything they can to ensure their kids do well in school (tutors, no need to work after school, intimidation, whatever it takes), get them through graduate school and into a well paying job–then the expectation is that the kids start supporting their parents with part of the money they earn. It is quite odd to American standards but also quite common and accepted in many parts of the world. Of course there are other expctations as well…grandparents will take care of grand children while the parents work, you may find three or four generations living in the same house, etc. Again, not odd, just different.
That’s hard to say since that part wasn’t revealed but it didn’t seem like it. The husband definitely wasn’t Asian and if the rest of the family was then it would have been odd for him to step in on family tradition. I know of some families that do what you noted but I hadn’t thought of that until your comment. Certainly a rarity here in the states, but if it were the case you’d have to respect it coming from other cultures. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the scenario you mentioned especially since it involves everyone helping everyone and in agreement on what it all entails. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 😀
Here is my case:
My Age= 18
Dad’s Age= 56
Mother’s Age= 45
Brother Age= 20
Second Brother’s Age= 24
My dad has recently left my family (in a rented house) and I am currently only 18 years old. He is an abusive drunk who only cares about himself. He doesn’t care whether or not I go to University, but just wanted my brothers (who are 20 and 24) and mother to look after me until I get a job. My mother isn’t nice either, she didn’t particularly like my father (they married via arranged marriage), but she didn’t defend her own children. When she did, she would get yelled at. However, when she is directly getting yelled at and can not stand it any longer, she usually directed my father attention towards us (the children) and therefore we would get beaten. Also on several occasions she has stated that she wished I wasn’t even born (she didn’t even want to have any children). My brother (20) used most of my mums ‘spare’ money to buy phones, new computer or other electronics. I always refrained from asking, because I knew we were on a tight budget. That same brother also generally helped out with chores to get rewards and be ‘praised’. I preferred to stay in my room to study or talk to my friends (on the computer). I have to share rooms with my brother and I always get told off if I didn’t clean the room (entire room), wash the dishes and dry the clothes…
My father hated the fact that I was ‘intelligent’ (because I got 2A*’s, 6 A’s and 4 B’s during GCSE) and therefore mocked me for doing so (also for previous examinations, for scoring high marks). I was constantly criticised for this amongst many other things that didn’t even make sense because he was drunk, the main reason/ most constant reason was because I stayed in my room- usually it lead to me being beaten when I was smaller because I watched too much TV- but now he’s no longer in the picture (I would have preferred it if he stayed until I finished University and got a Job- but he believes staying until 18 is more than enough as a duty). When he left, my brother’s were able to move out (one had a job and the other was at University and being paid through student loans), therefore they didn’t mind. However, my mother had to claim government money for support and continued to work. My Dad retired and moved to a different country and is expecting us to give him money (even if it should be other way around + he’s collected 30k+ just for himself). Therefore, my mum expects me to go to University (student loan) and then get a degree and then go get a job straight away to earn some money. With this method, I won’t even be able to rise in rank within my job, let alone find a family for myself and enjoy my life. She expects to retire below the age of 60 and have me pay for everything financially. Also, my parents are forcing me to arrange marriage. I can’t stand this prospect because I wanted to become independent and have always wanted to move away from my parents ever since I was 4 years old (when I realised that my parents were horrible to me).
I spend exactly £1 on lunch/breakfast a day (from child benefit money) and I eat dinner (made by my parents and it cost under £10 to feed the whole family- I’ve checked). I don’t use too much electricity and I basically am on my bed everyday reading books or on the internet. Child-benefit alone can pay for all of my expenses (or atleast most), yet my parents always claim they spend a “huge amount of time of money looking me and yet I’m ungrateful and selfish son”.
I would however, still feel guilty if I just suddenly left my mum without prior notice. Even if I have hardly ever talked to her because she would always say negative things about me as soon as I speak. I would still rather stay in a home, than be out on the streets fending for myself…
I was wondering, whether or not I should tell her to go live with my dad (different country). Or put her in a retirement home (my relatives won’t speak to me if this happens) or just simply leave. Apparently, the youngest sibling has to take care of the parents financially and they have to live with there youngest child (according to my mother and relatives). I really find this depressing and I really feel that it will ruin my life and put a huge burden on myself. My brother’s don’t really care and there happy that there ‘free’. My eldest brother has been ‘disowned’ by my family; therefore he really doesn’t care what happens.
What should I do in this type of situation?
P.S= I live in the UK
Hi Aron, from what you have described this seems like a very difficult situation.
Is it possible to go to some one that is from the same culture / background as you (some one from a trusted source not a family member) and ask about what is expected of the youngest son in regards to taking care of parents and living arrangements in your culture. Also do some research on this topic through cultural societies that may be close by or online, speaking to others that may be in the same situation as you may help you.
Once you fully know the truth of what is expected of you in your culture, only then can you make an informed decision about what you wish to do in this situation. I am not saying you should or should not go by what is expected of you in your culture but to take this into consideration when making your decision. Also your dad has a duty as a husband to look after your mum why should this huge responsibility fall on you? and again you are not an only child but the youngest of 3 from what you have stated in your post so why is all responsibility on you?
Does not seem to me that anyone else in your family is following ‘cultural rules’ by what you have said so why do they insist that you do?
I think you should encourage your mum to try and get a job for her own independence if it is possible to do so.
Because if you have to fully look after her this can put you in serious financial difficulty especially when one day you may have a wife and children of your own. I don’t feel your mum should expect this of you and is asking a lot. I don’t know what part of the UK you live, but I live in London and it is very expensive one of the most expensive cities in the world so supporting a grown adult can be a huge burden.
Is there some way to compromise with your mum to try and help her in a way that she can help herself without you having to support her when you start working?
and from the age you have stated, 45! your mum is still very young, she should work as you did not mention that she is ill or has a disability etc. When you have a job you feel independent and in control of your own life and gives you a feeling of self worth.
Personally my mum would not expect me to look after her and would refuse if I told her I am going to start supporting her, she is 56 and works full time and is in control of her own life and does not expect any of her children to support her.
I think you should communicate with your mum about your anxieties in this situation. But ultimately you are the only one that can choose your own happiness, it is pointless doing something that you do not feel happy doing just because your told to as you may feel anger, resentment and bitterness and these feelings will not help you or your mum. I believe individuals are responsible for pulling their own weight, not expect others to do so for them this is a very unhealthy attitude to have and not fair to the person shouldering this weight.
I am also a parent of 2 young children and when they get older there is no way I would expect them to support me, it would not sit right with me knowing nothing is wrong with me, I can go out to work but to just stay at home and expect financial support from my children that is just setting them up to fail in life.
and also on the flipside what if my mum expected me to look after her, this would be impossible my husband and I supporting our young family and then also having to support my mum. I am not saying if an emergency arises I would not help, of course I would, but giving ongoing financial support just because my mum does not want to work would be the road to ruin for my husband and I and would seriously jeopardise my family.
I Know your post was written over a year ago but thought I would still reply as you may still be in the same situation or some one else maybe. Hope you were able to sort it out.