Back in May I wrote a post called Your Debt Free Checklist, which listed steps you would take action on and complete to become debt free. I also mentioned in that post that I would break down each step on the list into a series of articles.
This is the first post of that series and it covers setting up a special meeting with your spouse. Some have asked me why I haven’t left it open to anyone in a relationship. Why did I specifically mention “spouse”? That’s actually very simple. I know some people that aren’t married that combine their money as if they were, but it’s not something I recommend. For those that want to do it anyway though, these same steps can be taken regardless. 🙂
Either way, there should be NO DISTRACTIONS. No television, no smart phones, no laptops. Just each others undivided attention because you care. 😉
Setup a special meeting with your spouse
What are your collective financial goals?
Where do you collectively want to be in 5, 10, 20 years?
What are your spending habits like and how can you work together to reconcile your debt situation?
These are just a few questions you should discuss with your spouse (or partner) to get the juices flowing and to find out where each of you are with relation to your money. One thing I know is that doing it alone, any part of it, is a recipe for disaster and might possibly indicate a marriage problem. The idea is to get on the same page financially because that’s where all of your momentum comes from — the team effort. If one of you is spending up a storm and the other is trying to tidy things up, it’s pretty unlikely that positive steps toward securing your future will be a success.
Here’s another question to ask and it’s the big one. How has living in debt been treating you? What are your reasons for wanting to get out of it? For the stubborn, immature men out there who don’t want to give up there expensive new truck because they feel entitled, or you ladies who refuse to stop shopping with credit cards to fill a wardrobe that could dress Hollywood, you need to ask yourself a different set of questions too.
Why are you okay with spending more than you make consistently month after month? How long do you think that can last before the financial situations get seriously dangerous? Why is your need to have things more important than your family’s need to have a bright and secure future?
I can’t even begin to tell you just how many of those types of people are out there. I’ve talked with them, tried to help them, and most importantly, I used to be them. I seemed to be able to always justify my expensive video game hobby, which any honest gamer will tell you, is very expensive if you aren’t careful. “I work hard and deserve to spend my downtime playing video games!” is what I would say. The serious gamer can easily spend upwards of $200 a month JUST ON GAMES!
If you’re out there and reading this blog right now, this is your reality check. This is where truth meets reality and this is where you can change everything for the betterment of you and your family. You know who you are because chances are you’re probably steaming right now at what I just said. Get over it and listen to the message.
Here’s a guideline you can use to get the party started, and by party I mean the celebration of you both coming together for the common good of your family. Too often I hear stories about how husbands or wives refuse to talk about, or be a part of the solution together. That’s not only sad, that’s pathetic! No one can, or should have to, do this by themselves. Marriage is two people working together! It’s one caring about the security and welfare of the other and this will often lead to revelations and feelings you were unaware of. That’s when you know you’re getting somewhere, don’t be afraid.
That’s where the action is going to come from. Understanding your spouse’s feelings, goals, and desires and doing what you can to find a meaningful solution is the key to making this work. You have to also understand that you won’t ALWAYS agree on everything, but this is where you choose your battles.
One of my favorite sayings, and I don’t know who said it, but I heard it from Dave Ramsey is “In order to win the war (against debt), you have to be willing to lose some battles” with your spouse or partner. That’s not to say you should let your spouse get his/her irresponsible way, if they throw that card out there on something unreasonable. Again, if this happens, your financial situation probably isn’t your biggest problem, but if you find yourself in this place, there’s nothing wrong with seeking counsel to resolve these differences. Otherwise, get down to business and start figuring out how you can achieve debt freedom together.
Call to Action
This is the perfect time for you both to give this exercise a try — The Dream Budget!
Each of you should agree on your net income each month and write it down. Now factor in everything that ISN’T DEBT and be sure to include your mortgage. Only factor in your absolute necessities, like food, utilities, clothing and transportation. Leave out all of your debt and leave out everything that isn’t necessity. (The assumption this exercise makes is that you have no debt to speak of, therefore revealing how your life might look if you weren’t bogged down with debt payments.)
Now take your net income and minus what your monthly expenses would be in that scenario. How much of your income would be left over to save for retirement, build wealth, have fun, and give away? How does the answer tie into your financial goals and dreams? How much do you like your debt now?
If you can take this meeting completely serious, because it is, you and your spouse or your partner will have taken the single biggest step to accomplishing the change that needs to happen in order for your situation to change. The fact is, no one really likes debt, they have simply rolled over and accepted that it’s what “everyone does” and convinced themselves there’s no way around it, so they continue the bad habits that will eventually ruin their marriage and maybe even their life. Don’t be those people!! That life and that way of thinking is a complete LIE!
The only thing you can do is manage your money right or manage your money wrong. There is no in between. Your either spending more than you make or your working towards a successful and secure future. YOU CAN’T HAVE BOTH, so do the one that makes the most sense!!
TAKE ACTION NOW!! Don’t procrastinate on what you know you need to do any longer.
Schedule a family meeting right now! If you have children, I highly recommend that they sit down too. Forget about taboo, it’s high time we start teaching our kids how to manage money instead of keeping them in the dark like money is a dirty little secret!! They’re not learning this in high school folks! Let them learn from your shining example AND from your mistakes. If they see how hard you have to work to climb your way out of debt, they might think twice about doing it themselves. Teach them solid principles so they’re not tempted by people who aren’t financially literate — because there’s a lot of broke know-it-alls out there enthusiastically giving horrible financial advice.
As Dave Ramsey often says, “Change your family tree!”
Good luck! Share your “special meeting” story with the class after you’ve done it. 😀
Are you on this step or completed it in the past? I want to hear from you. What are you struggling with? What worked for your marriage or relationship? What obstacles did you encounter? This is the place to share it so others can learn from unique experiences fro other people working through the same process. The more we’re there for each other the easier this will be. I’m asking all readers of this blog, to step up and let’s get this community rolling! My desire is to help ALL OF YOU win this battle, but in some ways I can’t do it myself. An active community can get the job done much more effectively. Let’s be a family! 😀
Photo by: Just Simple Photo
Family meetings are big in our household. My wife and I sit together w/o the kids to do the budget, prioritize spending and make sure we are on the same page and in agreement for the upcoming month. After that, we tend to have ‘family meetings’ that include our 13 year old daughter and 8 year old son. We talk (age appropriately) about everything. Our finances (what we can afford and not afford in the upcoming month), the menu for the month (we all get a say and we plan in advance to help us stay away from restaurants and unplanned spending), how they are doing with their jobs and what they are planning to do with the money they earn (we do save, give and spend).
If my wife and I decide we have $100 for entertainment for the month, we make decisions as a family how we want to spend that money. Sometimes we just want to go have lunch and a movie, other times it’s a sporting event or camping trip. We’re all involved and we all know the expectation. Same with groceries, since we make a menu, they know we are buying to that…past that, they can help pick out healthy after school snacks and lunch items.
My wife and I handle the family money obviously alone and by ourselves, but there are aspects of our finances we let the kids in and make decisions. I believe it helps them know and understand budgeting as well as know that mom/dad are not ATM’s…there is a limit to our checkbook so we need to make wise decisions to allow the best bang for our buck.
Very excellent way to do things Tyson! I love it man! It sounds like your plan is working just fine and the kids are able to have their teachable moments to prepare them for when they handle their own money. Thanks for the wonderful feedback my friend and thanks for sharing such an awesome family plan with the rest of us. Great job dude! 😀
We used to handle our finances separately and it seems many of my friends still do. If the opportunity arises, I am quick to tell them how much merging our finances has improved not only our financial situation but also our relationship. It is very difficult to truly be together if don’t talk about your dreams and aspirations. Being smart about your money all starts with having goals and if you want to really share your life then you need to share your goals.
Cassie you are exactly right! If you’re together you’re together…be together. It’s hard for two people that have separate goals to stay on the same road along the way. It seems it does more to pull people apart than push them together — the opposite of what marriage is intended to accomplish.
Secondly, for those that do keep everything together, but fail to meet about their goals and dreams are in as much trouble than those that do not. It takes solid communication to manage money together and sadly more and more people than you think are in a different universe with regard to financial matters. My marriage change dramatically after we decided to talk more about what we wanted and managed the plan together to achieve it.
I think it’s great you speak up and remind those people of the benefits of getting married financially. 😀
We’re definitely going to set up a special meeting so we can be on the same page from now on. We’ve been married for 3 weeks now, so it’s about time to sit down and say “okay 3 weeks, we’ve been great, now for the hard questions”. We’ve had several similar conversations, but now it’s time to see where we plan on being and making an action plan for it.
That’s awesome and the most important period to start doing so is within the first two years. Congratulations on the marriage and good luck with your special meeting. 😀
Setting up a “special meeting” as you call it is priceless. Getting not only the buy in from your spouse but also the ability to factor in your collective needs/wants/perspective is essential to setting up a solid foundation. I also can’t say enough about doing a “Dream budget”. My dream budgets get me through those hairy days as I always have something great to look forward to.