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My wife and I have had our share of arguments about money. Especially during the four and a half years that we were paying down our credit card debt and our budget was extremely tight. Like many people, I would frequently think about how much happier I would be if we had more money.
It’s hard not to agree with the thought that money could buy happiness now that we have a significant amount of extra funds given we no longer have a huge debt payment each month. I admit that our marriage and life in general seems much easier now.
Money is something that causes a lot of conflict in a relationship. When there is a restrictive amount of financial resources available, you and your significant other have to come to an agreement as to how to use those resources. I may have to give up something I want in order to pay for something my wife needs, or vice versa. Making those kinds of tradeoffs on a regular basis can create resentment, which is never good for a relationship.
Having more money removes that source of conflict and potential source of resentment. We still have occasional disagreements regarding how to spend our money wisely. But it’s a lot easier to resolve those conflicts when the discussion doesn’t revolve around how you’re going to put food on the table or some other life essential expense.
But is having money really the source of our happiness?
I’d be a fool to say that it is. Look at your average celebrity marriage these days. They don’t have a financial care in the world yet they seem to be constantly getting divorced and remarried. Money doesn’t have a monopoly on being a source of conflict in a marriage. I was happy in my marriage even through the rough times. Even though there was more conflict regarding our finances, the one thing that I knew I could count on is that Vonnie would be standing next to me supporting, encouraging, and helping to find a solution to whatever problem we were facing. Having more money removes a source of great conflict, but it isn’t why we are happy. We spend time together, laugh together and dream together.
That’s a foundation for happiness.
Last night I crawled into bed slowly as to not wake my wife who was already sleeping. I gently wrapped my arm around her waist and slid my feet over until they touched hers. Looking at the window, I could see flashes of lightening and hear the soft rumble of thunder in the distance. I closed my eyes and buried my nose into her long brown hair draped across the back of her neck. Even after 18 years of marriage I still love the smell of her shampoo.
It smells like happiness. No amount of money in the world can buy that.
There are many reasons why marriage fails, for my lack of respect and loyalty to your partner, as well as he/she towards you is the main reason aside from money, why there are lot of divorce and break up. Having a good partner is totally a perfect gift from God.
I agree with that, Marie, and I thank God for Vonnie each and every day. 🙂
We’ve never really had a whole lot of arguments when it comes to money. I feel pretty blessed about that and came out of us dealing with my debt when we were engaged. That said, I could not agree more that even in those times where we might disagree I know we’re still there standing next to each other and fighting the good fight together.
That’s such a great feeling, isn’t it, John? To know that no matter what, she’ll be there fighting along side you? It’s one of my greatest comforts in life.
awe! I just look at celebrities when I feel bad about myself for a lot of things. I mean look at Halle Berry. She’s GORGEOUS but bat shit crazy, and even her husband cheater on her as well…so money, beauty, fame…it’s kind of an illusion. I agree though, that money struggles can put a lot of strain on a relationship, especially if you are on opposite ends of your finances. One saves and the other spends. One is working towards paying off debt and the other is not. But if you both can communicate and be on the same page, it would make any situation better, whether money is tight or not.
It can be hard even if you’re on the same page, Tonya. We were on the same page with respect to killing our credit card debt, but having to make tradeoffs and compromises within the confines of the money we had still put a big strain on our relationship. One thing that kept us going is the knowledge that it was temporary…that eventually our debt relief program would be over and things would be different. Thanks for your comment!
The fact that I’m a PF blogger is one of the first things I tell people. It sets a precedent for talking about money honestly and openly. Honest and open communication is way more important to me than any dollar amount.
That’s an interesting ice breaker, Stefanie. LOL. Has it ever scared anyone off??
“We spend time together, laugh together and dream together.”
Love that, Travis! My favorite part of your post 🙂 May you and Vonnie have many more wonderful, beautiful years together!!!
Thanks Mackenzie, and SO AWESOME to hear from you. 🙂 Last weekend she and I spent a lot of time decorating our garage for a party we’re having Memorial Day weekend. The activity wasn’t all that fun (I’m not the decorating type), but just being with each other made it fun. We cracked each other up, and talked for hours as we did it. It’s those kinds of afternoons that make me so thankful to be blessed with such an awesome partner for life. 🙂
That was so romantic! Not expected – I got a bit misty-eyed : )
Money can be the apparent problem in a marriage, but it’s a smoke-and-mirrors thing. “Money problems” can mask a lack of consideration, a stubborn immaturity, or a problem with compulsion among other things. I’m finding our marriage is happier as we work down our debt – not just because we’re freeing ourselves financially, but because as we deal with our money problems, we’re bumping up against our own underlying issues and dealing with those too. Thanks for the post!
I also think that “money problems” can magnify issues….small issues become very big when you’re dealing with the increased stress and conflict of having financial issues. We pulled through some very tough times…..which makes me confident we have the foundation and strength to make it through anything!
Money doesn’t buy happiness and it certainly cannot buy a happy marriage. I have a family member who earned over 200K as a family, but it was never enough. They’re going through a divorce at the moment.
No matter how much you earn, if the marriage isn’t strong, eventually it will come tumbling down. People generally don’t want to be unhappy indefinitely. Thanks for sharing, Holly!
Great post Travis. I definitely agree that money can’t buy happiness. I am a strong believer, though, that when debt is removed from an equation and money is no longer a source of stress (to a reasonable degree, as it probably will always be a small source of stress for everyone) it’s much easier to be happy. I think working through financial troubles/issues together can really strengthen a marriage long-term, though at the time you just wish you were flush with cash. Money has been a source of conflict for us and I think a few years down the road when we (hopefully) have our student loans paid off, a large emergency fund, etc. that we will be able to not stress over money/debt to the same extent.
As I mentioned above in my response to Holly, people don’t want to be unhappy forever…if there is constant financial conflict, with no prospect of it getting better, there are some that will fold up shop and throw in the towel. Once that conflict is removed it can foster an environment where you can spend your energy on strengthening the relationship instead of just keeping it going.
Having money doesn’t mean much if you and your partner don’t share the same goals about how to use it. It does relieve tension to not have to worry about how to pay the bills, but like you said, if it was about money alone, no rich people would ever be divorced.
Very true observation, Kim….and eventually not having the same financial goals will cause some tension and conflict. When two people who are used to getting whatever they want finally have a conflict……that could be a problem.
Travis, this is an awesome post. I had no idea you’d been with your wife that long! You’re a lifer man. I plan to be there in about…15 years. You’re right too, money is just money. It comes and goes. Granted, being able to pay the bills relieves stress, but stress relief doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness by any means!
LOL, 18 (almost) years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I look forward to growing old and sharing many more decades with my wife. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by, Josh!